Preface:  I hate “woe is me” posts. Unless they are “woe is me, I’m sleep deprived, my baby is teething and my toddler is running circles around me” posts.  But yet, I’ve had this “thing” on my mind that I just can’t shake. So maybe by writing it down, by pouring my heart out, I’ll shake it out.  You’ve been warned.  Pity party ahead. 

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I don’t know how to say this poetically or politically correctly. But I have goals for this blog, this space, this corner of the internet that is mine. When I started, I tried not to take it too seriously. I told myself I didn’t care about things like comments or traffic.  I read somewhere that if you were doing “it” for “that” then you were doing it all wrong.

Yes, first and foremost, I want to save these moments of my children’s lives. I want to look back someday and recall the stories that I share with you. I want to feel the lump in my throat remembering how small they were, how long the days seemed and how fast the time flew by.  I want to share them with my kids when they get a bit older, so they can roll their eyes at me and warn me to never share this with their friends. And then I want to share it again when they become parents and a wife and a husband.   I may not be in many pictures with my kids, but they will always have my words. 

But also? I want this blog to BE something. What? I’m not exactly sure. I don’t have the expectation to make enough money off of it to pay my bills or send my kids to college.  But could it be the platform to freelance writing? A column somewhere? A consulting job or two?  I don’t know…   Those dreams seem more realistic.

I’ve read the blog posts on how to make it happen. I’ve eavesdropped on the twitter conversations. I’ve commented until my fingers bled.  I even paid professionals for a site assessment (which I completely recommend, by the way!)  The part I struggle with the most in the online world is finding a tribe.  Everywhere I look, there are friends holding each other up, promoting a person, supporting a dream, guiding a person to where she wants to go, telling her not to give up when she wants to walk away.  And I want that.

Don’t get me wrong. I have made great and fantastic friends through this blogging thing. People I “met” online were the first to get the announcement of Cole’s birth. I exchange texts, emails, tweets, vents and rants with people I’ve never actually hugged or shared a beer with.  And I love them.  Every single one.

But? I struggle with finding the place that I fit. Finding the group that has similar goals in mind that doesn’t also have (what seems to be) an unbreakable barrier to entry.  Is it a case of “you get what you give?” Could it be that I need to “just grow a set” and push my way in. Maybe. Probably. But that’s so not me. I’m the girl that waits to be invited. And then kicks the dirt and says “Oh, I didn’t want that anyway” when she’s not.

But I do. And it’s hard. It’s as hard to break into groups and create relationships online as it is do so in a small town or a crowded bar.

I’m working at it. It’s just taking longer than I expected.

This seemed like a good post to link up with Shell.

I’ve been writing my heart out lately.  By far the most challenging was a freelance article for a local magazine on the options in our area for senior citizens.  Yeah.  Because a 2,500-word article about senior citizens is sort of like the 500-word blog posts about my kids that I’m used to writing.  But! I got it done, I submitted it and so far the feedback has been good.  So.. Yay, me! 

Anyway… here are some links to other ramblings I’ve placed around the internet in the last two weeks (or so). 

On the Liberating Working Moms blog: 

I ranted about how I feel about the “but WHO is raising your kids?” question.  

I tried to figure out how I felt about grad school by writing it all down. 

I shared one of my favorite recipes for pulled pork.

On Lauren Nicole’s blog, I remembered a really small piece of a college lecture and pondered whether I monopolize parenting. 

Diana from Hormonal Imbalances asked me what having two kids under the age of two was like compared to what I thought it would be like.  And I answered.

This working mom thing? It’s challenging learning to balance the “mom” me with the “professional” me.  It’s crushing leaving in the mornings when the kids are just out of bed, still with sleep marks on their sweet little faces.  It’s rewarding to go to work and contribute to a project, a campaign, a business objective.  And frankly, it’s sometimes a relief to run away in high heels after a particularly long weekend of whining and nap strikes to a place where I can talk on the phone in peace and drink my tea while it’s still hot.  

Being a working mom, much like being a mom at all, is a series of contradictions.  Sometimes you feel like you’ve got it all under control and sometimes you don’t even know where to start.  Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug. 

That’s why I was really flattered when Tracy (a former mommy blogger) asked me to partner with her and a couple other ladies for her new blog all about being a working mom.  I hope you’ll check it out.  I’ll be posting there a few times a month. 

The official description: 

Liberating Working Moms: One Voice at a Time was founded by Tracy who wanted a place to commiserate with other working mommas. Ultimately, we are a group of moms, trying to get the word out about all the trepidations and rewards that come with being a working momma. It’s liberating to share our journeys of figuring out what works, what doesn’t, and what’s simply best for right now. Though the guise of this blog is under the working momma category, we hope that all moms will find something to read. Because really, all moms are moms. We all struggle. We all have rewards. We all need some advice. And we all have antics to tell about.

So come join our community: Liberating Working Moms: One Voice at a Time. Read about who we are. Subscribe to our feed to get up to date postings. Follow us on Twitter. And join in our antics on Facebook.

I don’t blog to be famous.  I don’t blog to be rich.  I don’t blog to stir up controversy and get everyone’s panties in a bunch over various parenting choices.  I don’t blog to make friends (although I have and it’s the best perk of this gig.  hands down.) 

I blog because I knew I was going to be terrible at keeping up a baby book.  At any given moment I have seven lists floating around my house.  Half written, half formed thoughts about things I need to do, things I need to buy, things I will buy if I win the lottery, things I need Craig to do.  Every once in a while I found a half complete list stashed in a magazine or stuffed into a random drawer. 

My point? If I can’t keep up a simple list, I am never going to be good at writing down the date of a child’s first smile, first roll over or first word.  So? While I may not be able to tell Chessa what her first vegetable was or when she first stood up by herself, some day she will be able to read the words I wrote here and imagine the look of determination on her face and how my heart ached with pride when she did it. 

This blog was started and still (mostly) exists to capture those moments and those milestones.  I write here to commit the feelings of a new mom to my memory and to provide my kids with stories about their first few years.   

However.

I’m thinking that I should have also used this space as a “how to” guide as well.  Not for anyone but me, I’m certainly not about to tell anyone else what to do with their kid when I’m still trying hard not to cause permanent damage to mine.  But there are things that I just can’t remember how I did or when I did or what I did with Chessa, that could make my life with Cole much easier. 

What did our nighttime routine look like when she was his age?  I remember feeding her downstairs and taking her to bed after she got drowsy, but then at some point I started feeding her in her room.  WHEN was that?  When did she start going to bed around 7:00? Why did we land on 7:00?  Did she always get a bath every night? 

How much tummy time did I do with her?

How much did she eat at various ages?

These are things I should have documented.  Sometimes I feel like I’m winging it with Cole as much as I did with Chessa.  Which is crap, because what’s the point of surviving the first year with one child if you can’t remember any of it and use it to help you survive the first year with the second child?

A few months ago when I started sharing the ins and outs and ups and downs of my mommyhood with the world, I found myself consumed by it.  Captivated.  Curious.  Hooked.

I needed to be “connected” all. the. time.  I was constantly checking Twitter on my phone, subscribing to blog after blog in my Google Reader and freaking out when I logged in and found 237 unread posts.  The second I laid C down to sleep, I would hurry to open up the laptop and tap out a post or comment on my favorite blogs. 

A few months later, I find myself rocking her a little longer, even after she’s fallen asleep.  Or I open the computer and stare at the “add new post” screen, unsure about what to write.  Maybe I share a few not-so-witty, borderline whiny tweets and check in with a few e-friends.  But I don’t feel as tied to blogging as I did a while back. 

Is it because it’s not what I thought it would be?  My posts aren’t earth shattering. I don’t touch hot topics with a ten-foot pole. And I don’t know where I want this site to go. 

Is it because way too often Twitter gives me the big fat fail whale and I just don’t have the patience for it? 

Is it because I see C’s babyhood slipping away and I want to take every moment to soak it in?  Not write or talk about it?

Is it because things like work, busy weekends, the start of football season and not feeling well have my head in a place where, by the end of the day, I don’t want to do anything other than curl up with a soft blanket and Reba reruns on Lifetime? 

I’m being a little bit melodramatic.  I’m not going anywhere.  I blogged before anyone read what I wrote and honestly, my mom likes seeing new pictures of her granddaughter.  I just noticed this change tonight, when again C feel asleep as I was feeding her (does anyone else think she needs an earlier bedtime?) and instead of rushing to jump online, I rocked, stroked her hair, ran my finger along her cheek and just stared at her peaceful and content face. 

It’s also a little bit of an explanation for the lack of commenting (so sorry!) and the over abundance of posts that mostly just cute pictures or silly stories.  Maybe someday, I’ll try to stretch my wings a little more, be a little more engaged, a little less whiny.  But for now, this is where I’m at. 

Pity party.  Table for one.

I’m not here today.  But don’t fear, I’ve not run out of things to say…  I’m just sharing one of my best “maternally insane” moments with Brandee at Chill, Mama, Chill.  Go check it out.  She says all sorts of nice things about me, which have totally gone to my head, cause she is one of my favorite blog and Twitter people!  Funny, with a side of adorable! 

And while you’re there, check out her adorable babe, Everly (don’t you just love that name?!) and all of her other guest bloggers who shared their most insane motherhood moments!

Trying something new again here on my corner of the internet with a Twitter/Blog friend, Diana from Hormonal Imbalances. I’ll let her tell you about it below. But if you’re new here, check out the posts on the right – they are some of my favorites. Or check out the “Baby of the Year” tab at the top to see how cute my kid is. Or if you’re wondering why I’m so convinced I’m not going to be voted Mommy of the Year, stick around… you’ll figure it out.

Here’s the official introduction….

<center><a href="http://hormonal-imbalances.com/"><img border="0" src="http://i777.photobucket.com/albums/yy56/stone2603/tornadobutton.gif" /></a></center>

]]> http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/06/15/kickin-off-blog-hop-tuesdays/feed/ 10 http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/06/08/karing-for-keegan/ http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/06/08/karing-for-keegan/#comments Wed, 09 Jun 2010 00:36:41 +0000 kristas http://notmommyoftheyear.com/?p=905

There are so many things about parenthood that scare me.  Like any day now, I’m sure my kid is going to suceed in throwing herself off of the couch or bed when I’m trying to change her.  Or the first time a friend doesn’t want to play with her on the playground and she feels left out.  And, her teenage years when she’s dealing with heartbreak and peer pressure and learning to drive? Well, that’s enough to send me for another glass of wine. 

But, hands down, the biggest fear that I have when it comes to parenting is having a sick child.  When I was pregnant and just began reading blogs, most of the ones I read were women who had suffered terrible losses.  I would sit at the computer in our office on a Saturday night while Craig was upstairs getting ready for date night and choke back sobs as I pressed a hand to my belly and prayed for a healthy child.  My heart broke for mothers whose children were sick or … worse. 

And it still does.  With a perfectly healthy child, sleeping soundly in her crib upstairs, I realize how very blessed Craig and I are and I thank God every morning as I kiss her sleepy little head. 

In some ways there are very few things that I get all worked up and passionate about. But if I could single-handedly fix any broken or sick child, I would.  If I could make the lives just a little bit easier for every parent whose child is struggling, I would. 

And I would bet that most of you reading this would as well.  We can’t fix the world, we can’t help every sick child.  But please, take a moment and read about Keegan over at Raising Madison.  His story will tear at your heart strings.  And then, if you are able and feel moved to do so, make a donation and enter Joanna’s giveaway.  If a lot of people do a little, we have the chance to help a very deserving family.   

“I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do.” – Helen Keller

]]> http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/06/08/karing-for-keegan/feed/ 3 http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/05/26/i-didnt-know-hiccups-were-funny-a-little-promotion-for-a-blog-friend/ http://notmommyoftheyear.com/2010/05/26/i-didnt-know-hiccups-were-funny-a-little-promotion-for-a-blog-friend/#comments Wed, 26 May 2010 10:00:18 +0000 kristas http://notmommyoftheyear.com/?p=844

Last night I was getting a rather grumpy baby girl ready for her bath.  I sat her down in the exersaucer while I filled her bathtub and collected her pjs.  And she whined because clearly it’s more fun to try to throw herself off of my bed than be stuck in the exercauser with toys to distract stimulate her.  As her whining got a little louder, urging me to HURRY UP, DAMN WOMAN, I hiccuped.  (I wasn’t drinking I swear.)

And she giggled. 

So I laughed at her.  And she giggled some more.  And I laughed until I hiccuped again.  And she laughed harder.  With every hiccup that came from my mouth her giggles got louder.  I swear we were like two  undergrads stumbling down College Avenue on the way home from a frat party.  Me with the hiccups and her with the belly laughs. 

For the record, I’m blogging this because her belly laughs are usually saved for when Craig blows raspberries on her belly or does the “pants dance” and this one was ALL. MINE.  ’tis a shame I cannot hiccup on demand. 

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Also?  Have you read Joanna’s blog, Raising Madison?  This internet is a crazy place, where on a daily basis I share in frustrations, milestones and everyday moments of other bloggers.  Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and sometimes I’m truly inspired.  Joanna is one of the rare people that brings all of those emotions.  She has a daughter who has hip dysplasia and she has faced some other sucky things in life.  But instead of whining or venting her troubles, she has used her blog to share information with other families whose children are also facing the surgeries and casts that come with hip dysplasia.  ANYWAY!  She is up for a Scholastic Parent & Child Blog award and while I’m usually begging for votes for myself on Top Baby Blogs, I’d like to ask you to vote for her in the special needs category (it’s all the way at the bottom). She deserves it.

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