my kids have new tricks

The clock clicks slowly towards their bedtimes and the kids are bouncing off the walls. I’m torn between letting them bounce and crawl and run and jump, hoping for extra tired kids and an easier time getting them in pajamas and tucked into bed and asking them to please, just shhhh…. 

Chessa starts showing me the latest thing she learned at daycare, jumping off the chair.  As in, “Look at me Mommy, I’M JUMPING OFF THE CHAIR!” over and over and over again.  Finally, I’ve had enough and I pull her into my arms and try to settle her down, explain to her that she shouldn’t be jumping from the chair because she could be hurt when out of the corner of my eye I see Cole take one, then another, then a third step towards the bed and his father.

I drop Chessa on her bottom and look at Craig in disbelief. “Did he just…” the words trail off and my eyes and mouth open wide. 

Craig nodded and grinned, looking slightly less surprised than me. Something in his eyes told me he’d seen that trick before.

I hugged Cole hard and joked about not being ready for him to walk yet, a feeling of sadness hitting me that I don’t remember coming with Chessa’s first steps.  Maybe it’s because when she walked, I was pregnant with Cole and knew there would be more first steps in my future. Maybe it’s because every first with her was so waited for and anticipated and with Cole they just keep sneaking the hell up on me. 

Or maybe because as a daughter, I know that she’s going to need me more as she gets older so those first steps didn’t really feel like first steps away.

Or maybe it’s just because I’m really, really tired lately. 

But whatever the reason, tonight when I fed him his bottle, I rocked him well past when he started to snore while trying to swallow past the lump in my throat. 

Because this time, those first steps feel like the end of something. Before I know it, I’ll blink and he’ll be the one jumping off chairs.