Cole had a hell of a time going to sleep last night. I don’t know if he was wound up from a late nap, teething, if the medicine I gave him for a cold was messing with him or if he just wanted to screw with me. But 90 minutes after I laid him down for the first time, on bedtime attempt #3, I burst through his door, into his room and in a voice just shy of yelling, said, ‘Oh my God, Cole! What the hell?!”
And as I was almostbutnotquite yelling at my baby I realized how terrible it was that I was yelling and I calmed down enough to say ‘What the hell,’ not ‘What the fuck,’ like I was thinking coming up the stairs.
Yesterday was a bad day. I had the mother of all yeast infections, (sorry to any guys or other people who do not want to read about the state of my girly bits, but this is a baby blog, it’s what you get) I spent more than half the day with a migraine and Chessa pooped in the bathtub.
I wanted to be done. I wanted to be watching my sleeping children on the video monitor and sighing about how wonderful and perfect and magical this moment was. I did not actually want to be parenting them, I just wanted to love them from afar.
I walked him around the room, shushing in his ear, whispering that mommy was here and I loved him and it was time to sleep. He calmed down and so did I.
And this is where I should write that I realized in that moment that he was only going to be young once and only going to need me this much once and some other crap about it being amazing.
Only it wasn’t. It sucked. I finally sunk in the rocking chair and held him close while he allowed his eyes to close and drift off to sleep. Then I played on my phone, checking Facebook and Twitter, waiting for him to be sound asleep. And finally, when I thought I could lay him down without waking him up, I did.
On the other side of the closed door, I thought “THANK GOD.”
I know parenting is wonderful. And I know that I’m lucky to have two happy, healthy children (see I can’t even write a ranty post without slapping a disclaimer on it.) But parenting is hard, too. And we should be able to talk about the hard times, even when they are silly, without feeling like we need to weave in some silver lining or a glistening moment of puppies and sunshine revelation. Sometimes your kid giggles and splashes in the bathtub. Sometimes she poops.
And when she poops, it sucks. And that’s real. And that’s life. And we’re just damn lucky that we get a chance to do it all over the next day.
Here, read this article that my friend Kristie shared today. It says it so much better than I could say!
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Oh honey,
you have the rest of forever to love on those babes. We all have those days where we just want to love them but not do a damn thing with them. You had a rough day. You are sick. Don’t feel guilty about what happened. Brush it off your shoulders, cause today is a new day sweets.
Those babes know that you love them.
Boo to the poop and infected lady bits.
Completely understand, we had a similar day and when it ended and little man finally slept? I caught whatever tummy flu he had and spent two hours on the toilet holding a trash can.
Some days are just shit, huh?!
Ha Ha and I thought your kids were more perfect than mine were! Now I know they are just the same and believe me, they will always be worth every minute of crap that they give you!
This is the exact reason I posted the link. Some days just suck and we aren’t are best selves. And honestly, some days it is just hard to see the happy amongst the poop, spit up, tears and tantrums! Thanks lady for the shout out! I am better at posting links than blogging…
There are many motherhood moments that are not sunshine filled. You’re right — we should all write about them at least from time to time. I try to do that — it’s part of how I process it all and keep my sanity. We all make the best of what we’re given, and some days we just have to lose it to realize that everything’s actually going to be fine. “The sun will come out tomorrow…” even if tomorrow is really a few days/weeks/months away. Hang in there and know you’re in good company.
Thank you lady. Some days are just HARD. REALLY hard. And it’s okay that we’re just thankful they are finally asleep.
I make myself feel better by knowing there are days they are just so amazing that I don’t want to put them down to sleep (although it’s probably not an even distribution) lol
You say everything I WANT to say.
I have so been there many times. Some days just suck. Hard. And those days we just wish would end so we can finally relax and calm down. I get it, completely.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a MUCH better day! xo
AMEN! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve mumbled (or let’s be honest – shouted) “Why won’t you *effing* sleep!?!” And then the guilt takes over, but the initial frustration and anger doesn’t always subside right away. You are right; it’s so hard sometimes and there shouldn’t be any shame in that. But we are so busy trying to be the best moms out there, proving to everyone that we got this, no problem. I remember reading that article and thinking – FINALLY, someone who is articulating what we’ve all been thinking. You’ve done a great job too. Thank you for sharing this because I have more of these nights than I care to admit.
Those days are tough. Sometimes I just want to be alone long enough to pee, and it never happens. It’s not all rainbows but the journey is worth it! That article sums it up perfectly.
You know what line I love most about this post? “I did not actually want to be parenting them, I just wanted to love them from afar.”
It’s so well said, and it just sums up those moments perfectly. It’s what we all think sometimes, but we don’t all say. And I think the fact that you can say that? Makes you a pretty damn good mom.
You are so right. Some days just suck. Some weeks just suck! And really, poop anywhere besides the toilet or a diaper . . . just sucks.
LOVE the new pic on the side bar, though!
“I did not actually want to be parenting them, I just wanted to love them from afar.”
This perfectly summarizes how I feel around 6pm every day. Isn’t that terrible? Terrible, but also normal.
Amen!
Funny, I just posted something about being more honest in motherhood so that when we do have these days and moments that we dont have to feel so alone and ‘abnormal.’
Oh babe. Parallel lives. I understand. Hugs. I’m sorry I missed this till now. That’s when you TEXT ME and say “Jess, wtf!!!” And I text back because I’m probably rocking Allie saying, “ugh dude I know!”
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