People! You’re in luck. Today, you get to read a post by Tiffany from Mom-Nom.com. Let me give you some background on Ms. Tiffany, just on the off chance that you’re not one of her regular readers. She’s a pretty, happy, funny and deterimined momma to two of the most photogenic kids I’ve ever seen, Bubs and Bubette. Just over a year ago, Bubs was involved in a terrible golf cart accident. You can read about the details on her blog. But, before you read her post below, you should really go read the post that she wrote on the anniversary of Bubs’ accident. It’s powerful and inspiring.
So is Tiffany.
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I’ve never talked about it…to anyone but a therapist. And, I have never said anything on my own blog about it. But personally, I think a blog that allows you to declare you are “Not Mommy of the Year” is the place to do it, right?
I carry a lot of guilt, dating back to July 19, 2009.
You see, I allowed my son – my first born & my pride & joy, ride and sometimes even drive a golf cart. That cart – it almost took his life.
I’ll pause here and let that sink in for a moment…
I knowingly allowed my son to operate and ride in a motorized vehicle that was not a) safe b) age appropriate or c) SAFE. What kind of mom does that?
Our children rely on us for many things. But one of the key things they rely on us for is safety. And, if they can’t rely on us, who can they rely on?
What kind of mother looks the other way as grandpa and son drive by (at a speed that is slightly faster than I would prefer for myself) in a golf cart, of all things.
And, this wasn’t your average golf cart. It was as suped up machine, with larger than normal wheels and a tow package. And my son, he isn’t just a normal son. He’s MY son.
I have cried a thousand tears. And made a thousand promises. And worried years of my life away since July 19. I have spent countless hours lying in bed with him, rubbing his hair and praying softly as he slept.
I have prayed for forgiveness. For healing. For peace.
And yet, I still don’t feel like I have paid for my sins.
I can still remember hearing the helicopter circle overhead and thinking – I could have prevented this. Let me be the first to tell you – there is nothing more painful to your heart than to think that you could have prevented your own child’s pain. his bloodshed. his near death.
And you didn’t.
I failed him.
I failed him in my most important duty as a mother. I failed to protect him.
This is the single most prominent factor holding me back from healing. And I know that. And, it is something I continue to work on.
Because, you see…I carry guilt with me.
I carry it in my heart.
And I see it everyday.
I am NOT Mommy of the Year.
July 21st, 2010 at 8:07 am
Tiffany, every single one of us carries guilt. Our stories are all different and some don’t involve hospitals, but we all have them.
Every time my daughter got sick and I didn’t notice it fast enough, guilt. When I didn’t keep standing up for her to the doctors and let an massive overdose of blood thinners harm her when I KNEW something was wrong, major guilt.
And worst of all… I couldn’t get myself out of bed the morning my daughter died, in her bed, in our house, just across the hall from me. I had promised her and myself I would be there when she left us, and I failed her. When we went in to get her up for church, she was already gone. I’ve beaten myself up and cried buckets over that for the 21 months since then.
The thing is, no-one else blames me for those things. I thinkot even my daughter. We do our best not to smother and stifle and obsess about life so our kids don’t turn out neurotic, and that means sometimes they get hurt. Sometimes they slip through our fingers. I don’t know why, but all of that makes us the people we are today… Much less apt to point fingers at others and heap up blame. And that’s a good thing, right?
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July 21st, 2010 at 8:21 am
I love you, and God has forgiven you. I know you’ll find the strength to move forward one day, maybe it’s not today or tomorrow but one day your heart will fill lighter and you’ll know He worked his magic again.
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July 21st, 2010 at 9:29 am
Momma, you ARE mommy of the year. I read this and I can feel your pain, your heartbreak, and your DEEP and unconditional love for your son. God has forgiven you, I know it. God is a caring, loving God and He can see your love for your son. Trust in Him. I’m sure you have heard all these words many times before, but I want you to know that in MY opinion (for what it’s worth) you are awesome and you are a wonderful mother!
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July 21st, 2010 at 9:42 am
Oh momma. Nothing I can say will magically make that guilt go away, but I WILL say that i think you are wonderful. And one thing my therapist told me was the fact that we HAVE the guilt shows that we are good mommas. We WANT to be better (even if we don’t have to be). That guilt is part of our love for our child. And you clearly love bubs fiercely! Lean on God and he will heal your guilt. Hugs, momma. Hugs.
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July 21st, 2010 at 12:04 pm
This brings tears to my eyes and I think we all know a little bit of that feeling, just as Joy said. My daughter nearly drowned right in front of the Hubs and I. If I hadn’t turned around when I did, she would have been floating on top of the water. It haunts me. How easily accidents happen, how easily a perfect life can be changed forever. I focus on the outcome, everything is okay -today, we are all healthy – today and everything is in HIS Plan. God will take the hurt, pain, and the guilt away….keep praying and thanking him everyday for the blessings (and miracles) he’s given you!
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July 21st, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Another great post about this huge event in your life, Tiffany.
we all have those moments that we wish we could have, or know that we should have, acted differently. The best thing you can do is forgive yourself. Your son wouldn’t want you to be weighed down by guilt. Look at his precious face – you see any anger or resentment on his part? no, you see joy. That’s what he wants for you too.
((hugs))
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July 21st, 2010 at 3:12 pm
What a devastating time in your life this must have been. I can’t even bring myself to think about the actual moments of that terrifying accident. For the minute I do, I start to cry thinking of my babies. Just like Mom’s us Dad’s have an unyeilding sense and responsibility to “CARE” for our babies. We get tied up in the moments. Those smiles are so powerful! I can see your boy smiling now as he was riding and how much joy that must have brought you. Those smiles are powerful!
Sometimes we face extreme conflict. We want them to be happy but we also want to protect them. Fear not though…You did protect him. You were there for him when it happened. You cared for him like a Mom should. You nurtured him like a Mom should and you loved him like a Mom should.
We can’t help what happens to us or to them sometimes but we can help how we respond. You responded as a Mom should and I think that’s what you should focus on.
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July 21st, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Sending you prayers for peace.
Wonderful post!
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July 21st, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Oh Tiffany – what a heart-wrenching post. I think the most important thing to think about is that guilt, to an extent, is simply an inability to move on. An inability to accept life the way it is, and that nothing can be done to change the past – and the only thing holding on does is hurt the future. And as anyone who has read your blog knows, you’re an amazing mom.
I hope you find it in yourself to grant forgiveness.
You deserve it.
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July 21st, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Oh honey, we all have our ghosts… There are things I can’t bring myself to share on my blog either… It’s okay and accidents happen. You had NO idea that it would happen and until it did, you wouldn’t have worried about it.
That’s how it is for all of us, we don’t think about it until it fucks us…
I’m so sorry sugar. I’m going to read that other link…
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July 22nd, 2010 at 6:29 pm
We all have guilt.
We have all made decisions (or failed to make decisions) that could have ended in tragedy for one of our children.
For most of us? There is just a small stomach twinge of, “Oh geez, I shouldn’t have let her do that!”
And then for most of us? A smiling child is delivered safely to our arms.
I am so sorry that for you . . . that smiling safe return?
Was a little bit delayed.
Much love.
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July 23rd, 2010 at 8:54 am
Wow Tiffany. This was an extremely powerful post and I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Just stay strong and know that there’s nothing you can do now and that God has a plan. Stay Strong.
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July 23rd, 2010 at 2:10 pm
No one can know what next year, next month, tomorrow or even a minute from now will bring. it could be the most wonderful moment of your life.. or the most unbearable. you could not know what was about to happen. because if you could, it wouldn’t have. you may think you could have prevented it. but you couldn’t because life is unexpected. we’ve all let our kids do something that isn’t 100% safe. you’re not alone. and it’s not your fault. you gave him what he needed to get through it and that’s all a mama can do. be there. and do your best. everyone makes mistakes love. i hope you get to a place you can be at peace with this. xo
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July 31st, 2010 at 4:21 am
Oh sweet friend, we all carry guilt, every single mom does. But God has already forgiven and forgotten. And what amazing strength and courage, to share, to seek therapy( love my therapist). My eldest had a blood clot in his brain 2 winters ago. I let him go skiing not knowing he was blind in one eye. I beat myself up regularly for not catching it soon enough, not getting him to Children’s soon enough. He was 12 at the time, mommy guilt never goes away. But one look at that sweet (well not so sweet all the time teenager face) and I’m reminded, he’s here. God’s grace is sufficient and mommy guilt never goes away, it just changes form over the years.
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July 31st, 2010 at 4:21 am
Oh sweet friend, we all carry guilt, every single mom does. But God has already forgiven and forgotten. And what amazing strength and courage, to share, to seek therapy( love my therapist). My eldest had a blood clot in his brain 2 winters ago. I let him go skiing not knowing he was blind in one eye. I beat myself up regularly for not catching it soon enough, not getting him to Children’s soon enough. He was 12 at the time, mommy guilt never goes away. But one look at that sweet (well not so sweet all the time teenager face) and I’m reminded, he’s here. God’s grace is sufficient and mommy guilt never goes away, it just changes form over the years.
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